When I first started dating again after my marriage ended, I had a fabulous time. See, my pre-marriage dating experiences were, um, limited and not so fun (even though they may have provided great story fodder later in life.)

The post-marriage dating experiences, on the other hand, were an incredible ego boost. The first dinner date that ended up with us spontaneously driving to the beach (75 miles away on the Oregon coast, no less) hours later? Discovering a wilted rose left on my front porch by my New Years’ Eve admirer? The guy who had his teenage girls help pick out the outfit he wore to meet me in? The butterflies in the stomach…being acutely aware of where our arms and legs were as we sat side by side at a baseball game…kissing someone new for the first time? Yep, it was an adrenaline-filled roller coaster ride.

And then the roller coaster slowed down to a leisurely pace. I fell in love again, rediscovered my long-buried romantic self - but died a thousand little deaths inside when it ended abruptly. Eventually, I jumped back on the ride - but not at full tilt, and not with the same energy.

Imagine my surprise when I unexpectedly fell in love again a year or so later. While I knew it wasn’t likely to work out long term, I was happy to take what I could for a while. And once it became clear for me that no longer made sense, I tried to disengage gracefully and honestly. Along the way, though, while the affection remains - well, I fell out of love with him. So being a friend, staying in touch, having occasional kid-free weekend dinner dates that, um, ended after breakfast the next day, giving him hope - well it became graceless and cruel.

Why mention this all now? See, part of me really would like some adult male companionship that might eventually lead to a relationship. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind dating again.

But I’m having a hard time psyching myself back up for the whole ‘finding people to date’ bit again - even though I had such a good time before. And I’d just as soon fast-forward through the whole ‘getting to know you’ part already.

I’m not mourning what was - except that it was comfortable. I had someone who knows what I like, heard the backstory, and loved me anyway. Wasn’t that good enough?

Apparently not. But is it too much to ask this time to skip over the preliminaries, rule out the obstacles, and move directly into total compatibility?

Damn - I thought not…

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I’ve really wanted to write here the last few months, but…

Waaiiiit a minute That’s so not true.

See, I haven’t felt like blogging about the whole ‘divorced with kids’ bit for a while now. I even passed up a seriously awesome blog opportunity - the totally tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the second anniversary of my divorce on Valentine’s Day this year.

Why?

For starters, I’m busy. That’s not going to go away any time soon. And at the end of a very long day, I don’t much feel like dredging up Dramatic Divorce Stories or reliving the conflicts and pressures and stresses with my ex that just no longer exist anymore. The stuff that’s part of my life now? The collegial, collaborative relationship with an ex-husband who never forgets he’s part of a parenting team? So not interesting to those looking for another drive-by War of the Roses, or those who need ‘go for the jugular!’ advice.

So I decided to pass up a monthly paycheck - that could be going towards a non-existent college savings account, no less - by choosing not to milk our former pain or flaunt my hard-earned peace in front of those in a far less peaceful place.

And I sent my official resignation letter to Divorce360.com a few minutes ago.

What will I do with this place? I’m not sure yet. Part of me wants to think I still might have something to say here from time to time. The other part thinks I need to say no to a few more things before I make any promises here.

I’ll start by listening to the ‘other part’ first…

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The minute one starts boasting about how one can ‘handle it all’ - well, that’s when life proceeds to jump in and prove otherwise.

As a result, I’ve been ignoring this little outpost, while barely posting on my original blog. And I’ve taken an explicit hiatus for the month of January from the third one.

What’s going on, you wonder? (Regular readers of MWIL already know this story; apologies if it’s a rerun…)

The new job is, as predicted, all-consuming. The kids are, as I ought to have expected, not so willing to play second-fiddle. The volunteer commitments aren’t as easy to extract myself from, especially when there are big activities planned for February. And if that weren’t enough, well - I’m also dealing with two family situations: my daughter’s stepping through an evaluation process to determine if she has ADHD (which is bringing up all kinds of fears and issues on her part), and my dad has been diagnosed with cancer.

So if I’m not here? It means I’m dealing with life In Here. And I’ll be back eventually.

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…or can I?

When my ex and I first split up, I had a fairly high-powered job, with a salary to match. Luckily, I was able to flex my schedule as much as I needed to in those early days in order to cope with taking on all of the responsibility at home - I worked early in the morning from home in order to handle daycare drop-offs & worked late at night in order to justify leaving at the dot of five each day.

Plus, I had cash to smooth out the wrinkles - a regular housecleaning service, for example. Money for summer camps for the school aged child. But I still felt like I was constantly juggling, and I didn’t feel like I could really pay attention to my kids’ emotional needs. Plus there was that whole ‘working late at night’ bit…

When I first lost my job when the tech market cratered, it was a relief on some levels. I could focus on the kids. Walk them to and from school, or go on field trips. So I made a conscious decision to take two big steps backwards when I re-entered the job market (a decision that was aided by the continuing tech slowdown, of course.)

I would be a worker bee - but I could work from home as needed. I’d be responsible for myself - but I wouldn’t supervise or direct others. And we’d long since tightened our belts (and I’d changed my money mindset), so the smaller salary would certainly sustain us.

And that was just fine. More than fine, actually - I could spend time serving on a board for a local educational non-profit. Set up a creative blogging outlet for myself. And still be involved at the kids’ schools, or do the summer camp shuffles.

Until - it wasn’t so fine with me any more. So now, I’m back doing my managerial thing as of today - at the same place where I used to be one of the staff I’m now managing, luckily. My calendar’s now crammed full of meetings, I have a great team of people I get to support, and a host of new responsibilities. And it’s the mental shot in the arm I knew I needed.

But since I still have the teenager and the ‘drama mama’ nine year old - not to mention the work with the non-profit and the assorted kid responsibilities and and and - I’ll still get to flex my schedule when I absolutely need to, or work from home when it makes sense.

This time around, though, I know I can’t necessarily juggle any faster. So it’s time to make some decisions about how to juggle smarter - and maybe to think about deliberately dropping a ball or two along the way. So while I’ll keep the early morning work sessions (it helps me better plan my day), I’ll probably skip the midnight oil piece.

And I’ll get better at tossing the ball to someone else. So the first order of business, once the new salary kicks in?

Monthly supplemental housecleaning service, here we come…!

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It’s all too easy to fall into the holiday doldrums - and it doesn’t much matter if you’re just beginning your divorce journey or have been split up for years, managed to rebuild your life, and really like what you have now.

Or maybe it’s just me - even though I know I made the right decision several years ago, I still remember what it was like to build Christmas memories for the kids together. Or the security that came from being part of a couple at holiday gatherings. And the memories are bittersweet - dangerously veering into ‘what if?’ territory, or revealing gaps or weaknesses I don’t really want to be reminded of right now.

And the holiday schedules in the here and now? While we’ve snapped into a schedule that works for us all, I’ll still feel alone and small come Christmas morning - for a few minutes, at least.

But I know it’s not healthy to wallow, and I know it’s not wise to give myself large swaths of idle time. So I have two solutions when the holiday blues strike:

1. Pay it forward. Surely there’s another parent who’s really struggling who could use a bit of help or support. So make that phone call, or pass along a bottle of wine or an invitation for lunch or dinner.
2. Or maybe there’s a cause that could use a few extra hands or a bit of your time over the holidays- so go out, get out of the house, and volunteer already.

You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise.

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